Fucked Up

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I've been rereading the entries for the past year, especially the ones about what I've been eating, and man, I really have been blowing a load of bullshit, haven't I? I exercise, and go out and eat crap, and then wonder why it's so hard to lose weight.

When it comes down to it, I have a problem with food. My mother, who was chubby when she was a girl, was bound and determined to make sure that I, a tall and chubby child, would not go through the teasing she did. As a result, I was made to endure every crack diet in the Western Hemisphere, taken to a diet doctor and put on amphetamines when I was in 4th Grade (how Judy Garland), told to get out of the fridge when I was genuinely hungry, and basically had my food fucked with until I went away to college, all in the name of being slender and pretty. I still remember being forced to eat cottage cheese and raw hamburger, and dreaming of the day when I could go to a store or a fast food place by myself and eat anything I wanted. Needless to say, this isn't a healthy mindset to grow up with.

Thing is, I'm an adult now, and I have to take responsibility for my own actions and what goes in my mouth. it's just that reprogramming the instinct to view food as a reward or something that provides comfort isn't the easiest thing to do, and it's something I'm still working on (finding substitutes and alternate ways of reducing stress hasn't been all that successful to date). I guess what I'm saying is that I know my nutrition sucks, and I have to work on it.


Walt said...

Reprogramming the ups and downs of the way you've eaten for the last 40 plus years is a nasty feat, but something that can be accomplished. I speak from experience. It was actually easier for me to put on the blinders to everything around me when I first started dieting than I thought it would be. I wish I had the same resolve now that I had then. I eat some real bad shit and feel properly shitty about it, but I just wish my willpower was a little bit stronger so I'd avoid the stuff that makes me feel guilty in the first place.

Good luck, Mel!

Melanie said...

Thanks, sweetie. This is something that CAN be overcome -- I've done it for short periods, dammit, so I should be able to do it for longer ones as well.