Fucked Up

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I've been rereading the entries for the past year, especially the ones about what I've been eating, and man, I really have been blowing a load of bullshit, haven't I? I exercise, and go out and eat crap, and then wonder why it's so hard to lose weight.

When it comes down to it, I have a problem with food. My mother, who was chubby when she was a girl, was bound and determined to make sure that I, a tall and chubby child, would not go through the teasing she did. As a result, I was made to endure every crack diet in the Western Hemisphere, taken to a diet doctor and put on amphetamines when I was in 4th Grade (how Judy Garland), told to get out of the fridge when I was genuinely hungry, and basically had my food fucked with until I went away to college, all in the name of being slender and pretty. I still remember being forced to eat cottage cheese and raw hamburger, and dreaming of the day when I could go to a store or a fast food place by myself and eat anything I wanted. Needless to say, this isn't a healthy mindset to grow up with.

Thing is, I'm an adult now, and I have to take responsibility for my own actions and what goes in my mouth. it's just that reprogramming the instinct to view food as a reward or something that provides comfort isn't the easiest thing to do, and it's something I'm still working on (finding substitutes and alternate ways of reducing stress hasn't been all that successful to date). I guess what I'm saying is that I know my nutrition sucks, and I have to work on it.

And lo, the waters receedeth

Saturday, July 16, 2011

As I thought, the bloat is coming off (although it went frighteningly high until I looked up the side effects of one supplement and saw "water retention" as its most common side effect. Guess what I'm not taking anymore?) -- I wound up peeing away five pounds between Wednesday and Thursday. Whee.

Also did a moderately painful leg workout at the gym tonight, but I'm afraid it was very necessary -- my LEFT knee is starting to lock up, now, which means my quads have turned into flabby shadows of themselves and must be whipped back into shape. I'd still give an ovary for a scrip of Celebrex, but whatever.

Graaaagh!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Did a perfectly lovely weight workout tonight, but I'm more than a little achy due to forgetting that I can't take multivitamins.

"What in the wide world of sports are you talking about, Melanie?" I can hear you say. Well, my quirky metabolism seems to react badly to one of the minerals or trace elements in your average multivitamin and triggers one doozy of an inflammation response, with the result that I retain more water than your average camel. In the last three days (when I started taking the multivitamin along with fish oil and Vitamin C in order to moderate some mood issues), I've put on about seven pounds, all of it quite clearly water. I'm not worried because it will come off, but in the meantime it's making my joints ache like a bitch. I'm hoping that the weight workout will kickstart the draining mechanism, and until then there's always ibu and ice.

What is possible?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I think I'm running into an interesting mental roadblock with this whole weight loss thing. While intellectually I know perfectly well that I *can* lose weight if I eat right and exercise, there's a very large part of my brain that says, "Don't be silly, of course that isn't going to happen, you've always been this size and you'll always be this size. You can't change, so forget about it."

It's not so much the subconscious being a Debbie Downer -- it's more like being a medieval peasant who insists that the Sun goes around the Earth because that's what the Bible says, and anyone who says different must be possessed by demons and needs to be burned at the stake for the sake of their immortal soul. Okay, that's a bit OTT, but you see what I mean -- this is a serious, deep-down belief that I'm trying to change here, and it's damn hard.

Part of the problem is that I have never, ever been normal sized. I was tall and chubby as a child, and I grew into a tall, fat woman. Now that I'm trying to reduce the fat and replace it with muscle, I'm realizing that I can't effectively imagine how I want to look, because I've never been anything other than fat. I look at other women who are at a healthy weight, and no shit, part of me honestly thinks, "She must be a robot -- real people can't be that small. Where are her organs? Can she even breathe?"

Yeah, well, no one ever accused the subconscious of being a bastion of logic. In my heart of hearts, I kinda wish that I could spend a day in the body of someone who is normal sized, just so that I could see that yeah, that kind of body is real. (And maybe do a little shopping, but that's just me.) Unfortunately simstim isn't a viable technology yet, so I'm going to have to do this the old-fashioned way and figure out a psychological way around the block.

Suggestions are welcome.

Stupid...argh...knee...

I think I may have to ease off on the cycling a bit, at least until I can strengthen my quads and stop my damn patella from jumping its groove every time I take a step. I am very, VERY tired of having a swollen, sore knee (thank you, John, wherever you are), and it's especially annoying that I can't go see a doctor because we're currently short of medical insurance. I would kill or die for a week's worth of Celebrex at the moment, I can tell you that much.

Arrgh!

Why is the back yard spinning?

Monday, June 27, 2011

What do you do when the temps go up? Why, swim in your pool, of course.

Which is what I did tonight, complete with my new suit (note to self -- don't dive in front of other people. The top holds the twins very nicely, but water drag allows them to make a break for it), and did ten laps. And then got out of the pool because my sinuses started screaming at me, and then the back yard started going all wibbly wobbly (but not, sad to say, timey-wimey). Obviously there are inner ear issues that need to be addressed here, not to mention a dire need for goggles.

Hmm. In retrospect, it probably would have helped if I'd had more to eat today than a sandwich, some chips and a bowl of popcorn, she said as she sucked down her protein shake and felt every cell in her body scream, "WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU HAVE THIS EARLIER, YOU SADISTIC BITCH?"

By the way, I'm still cycling, but with daily temps approaching the 100s on a regular basis I freely admit that I've been wimping out and using the bike at the gym. I need to get one of those trainer dinguses that I can park the back of my bike on and pedal while I watch a movie.

And the temperatures go up

Monday, May 30, 2011

Since I slept through the ridable temps (yeah, yeah, I know, but if I go out there in 90°F+ heat right now, I'll die of heatstroke), I hied my ass over to the gym and hopped on the spinny thingy for twenty minutes before hitting the weights. My legs certainly had much to say to me after I got off the spinny thingy, but I told them to pull on their big boy panties and cowgirl up, already.

I am starting to see some changes in my arms and legs -- nothing in the midsection yet, but that's always the last to go. My calves are starting to show some serious definition, though, and so are my forearms. Even my flabby upper arms don't look quite as poofy as they used to be, which is all good.

Know what I REALLY want to see? My clavicle. I would love to have visible collarbones.